4 S p i r i t ua l i t y S t u d i e s 7 - 2 Fa l l 2 0 2 1 2 The Sudden Experience of Kundalinī 2.1 AMental Struggle That morning I woke up sensing the nervous breakdown closer than ever before. I could not find peace. I was well aware that thirteen years, that I had given myself to succeed, had gone by and I had not realized my goals. I had failed. Next to that earnest realization, nothing else mattered. I started to have suicidal thoughts. Initially, they would come and go, but eventually there was nothing but suicidal thoughts and strong inclinations to fulfill the urge right away. I hated myself and blamed myself for failing. At the same time, the idea was horrifying. I had always been a positive person who considered suicide an unacceptable solution. Now, as I found myself in an emotional state of unbearable discomfort, it felt that the only way of coping was to end the torture. At around 2:20 pm I was determined to get razor blades, however, there were none in my place. On the way to the store, as I came downstairs from my attic studio and walked down the hall to exit the house, I took a glance at the bathroom door and suddenly decided to take a shower. I was not at all in a mood for it but contact with water had been soothing to me. I was still trying to do whatever I could to stop myself from what I thought was the only right thing to do. I climbed into the tub, turned on the water, and… quickly collapsed in resignation. It took all my energy to comply with the order I had given myself entering the bathroom: not to allow negative emotions to take over my mind. Throughout the years I had trained my mind to paint in any emotional state. I often felt very sad or frustrated but learned to push through it and work anyway. My actions were instinctive, yet surprisingly effective. Sometimes, I could even observe the emotional charge I felt, disappearing into the painting with my paint brush serving as a bridge between me and the canvas. Now, without a painting in front of me, I needed to consciously focus on the technique I practiced so far without thinking. At first, I decided to find out the nature of the emotion that had such control over me. What was that force wanting me to destroy myself? Where exactly was it? What was it doing to me? It was extremely painful, but I knew that in order to deal with it, I needed to feel it completely. I set out to identify it. A thought depression came to my mind and I saw it as a step forward. Depression was covering me like a dark, dense cloud, but at the same time I figured that the cloud was limited by its name and therefore it was not boundless. I realized I could possibly step out of it. When painting, I was simply moving my focus away from my emotional state onto the canvas, but now I had nothing to move it into. I still desperately had to do something and I forcefully made that step taking my focus away from the emotion. I was aware that the emotion was just nearby, I could not deny it, but at the same time I found myself in a space I had never known before. It was like an emotional vacuum – a very particular state accompanied by a vision of a desolate landscape without a focal point. There was no more pain and no joy either – there was nothing. I called it emptiness. Seconds later, the wave of agony hit me again. This time I knew what to do, and I repeated the process of stepping out of the dark cloud. I ordered my mind to focus on not letting the emotion back in. It worked again several times, each time a bit longer. The first few times I couldn’t breathe during the process, because breathing was bringing the emotion back in, but soon I was able to focus on breathing slowly, and the emotion was not coming back. I laid in the tub without any emotion, just breathing. In that state of “emotional emptiness” I could clearly see what was happening with my mind. It did not stop processing because emotions were not there. My mind kept on going, obsessively tracing back in time to figure out what did I do to end up this way. Then I realized, that even if grave mistakes were found, I could not take back time and fix them. They were no more repairable. Over and over my mind kept on getting back to the same solution: The end to my life. That became the final answer and there was no more mental struggle and no more emotions. I surrendered. After a minute or two with my eyes closed, I was ready to get up and proceed with the plan. Then I opened my eyes.
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